Back in the memories that I was giving my "some-what-all-but-not-all" to someone way back years. The more I wanted a relationship with that someone, the more I get things around me broken. I am so in the mode of "giving-it-all-away" but not to the extent of giving my sacred purity. I was losing my self for that lesser value and turning my heart away from my King. Yes, I did not lose my purity, but It was so stained with wrong investments. It was a relationship that is so gazing to emotions (What a foolish heart! tsk!). A relationship that is uncommitted and unprotected to be godly.
A GIRL WHO...
As a girl grown up with Christian-ethics-on-waiting-for-the-right-person, I always dreamt of a godly-relationship. So I made it a law to myself that I will only entertain "christian-suitors" (Huh?!). But it was all wrong-- a so wrong perspective on godly-relationship, thinking that having a "christian-guy suitor" would make a godly-relationship.
REQUEST GRANTED
Envy came to me. I was so envious having someone who would find me beautiful, craving for appreciation from a guy and there the enemy laying his trap for me, waiting for my landing. As to my desire that I want a "Christian Guy Suitor", my request granted (Oh....noooooo!).
CONFUSED IN BETWEEN AND WITH THE BUTTERFLIES ON MY STOMACH
Suitors came and they are real pursuant. I arrived on being stuck in between and confused (which is which??). From there, I cannot decide because of fear to confront or to say no. In my heart, I liked the "other one" but and not "other guy". Maybe, I can't decide because the other guy was so into investments for me--having this surprises, caring, sweet messages, he visits me at home & etcetera which I liked a little maybe because i'm a girl who wanted to be so special. But, I didn't like it much. To my fear of confronting, I had this made up lies which is a not so good decision.
THE REAL MEAN GIRL
I thought lies would help to cover up my fears but it lead me to thoroughly hurt the other guy. I was with the lies and ignoring the guy. In that, I can say that I'm real mean-girl, playing someone's emotion (haaaaay.).
THE SUPERFICIAL & THE TRAP
To the other one, I was spending so much time with him and because he is my classmate. This "other-one" is the ideal guy for me at that moment-- He is a musician, a writer, brilliant & etcetera, the characteristics that I like in a man. He makes me a little lively with his words and I liked the feeling of being talked about because he likes me. My classmates and other friends who knew about us would really think that we love each other & I liked it. But, I was just so superficial and into emotions of being so selfish. Unknowingly, I was already trapped...long way ago. I was my giving portions of my heart with no right timing, trying hard just to look good and be more desirable. I did not fail in my trying hard, I was appreciated. I was so obsess on my emotions and his appreciations that made me to invest a little bigger. It was I who invests all the time not him. After all of those, he left me hanging without a word and gone.
THE AFTEREFFECT
I was broken, empty. Had a low self-esteem because I anchored my identity with him. Trying to gather the pieces of me on myself. Bitter. Crying for no reason that makes me look insane in some time. I was really depressed. I was obsessing in displacement to cover things up. But after all the effort of restoring-- it was not enough...therefore, I can't.
DIVINE INTERVENTION & STRENGTH
Once upon a night, I was crying so hard with the words of hopelessness to GOD asking for his help then fall a sleep. Then, I had this dream--a no other like dream. I knew, I knew... It was GOD speaking to me in a dream.(Had a blog of this dream: on http://daylightstarlight.blogspot.com/2010/03/not-guy-dream.html) A dream that prepared me to stand and decide to let go. It was not easy to let go but God gave me strength--His grace. It was the dying stage for my restoration.
A GIRL WITH LIFE LESSONS
My perspective was changed and still changing to God's perspective of a godly relationship. It is not having a "christian-guy" but having GOD first in me and to "whoever you are". Learned not to play with someone's emotion. I learned how to guard and to lead my emotion (and learning & learning because Heart is so deceitful). Learned to surrender this area in my life to GOD. Learned to wait in God's time table with trusting, not initiating because of impatience. Learned not to stain my purity--a life living for JESUS. *I thank you LORD, especially to the restoration.
REASONABLE REASONS
It happened so that my gaze will be directed to him. He is jealous for me. He wanted my love. He is pursuing me more than these suitors. He is the real lover that never let my heart be broken nor my return of investment be in vain. He appreciates more than the guys. In Him, will my identity be anchored. He fills me with so much love. Much more to this, I am desirable in HIS eyes even i'm effortless most of the time. He wanted to gave me the best--the best of HIM. <3
HEART MENTORS
In view of the life from the people who impacted my life with their testimony and through their GOD-given revelations and advice, I was mentored. Witnessing the faithfulness of the LORD in their lives--with their heart-milieu; in that I'm definitely encouraged loving the LORD above all else not for the sake of having a wonderful relationship someday--but because I'm just into the LORD. Moreover, I love to read books for the singles with thoughts of being married to JESUS that really helped me to disciple my heart.
JUST A REMINDER
One night, As Kuya Rey Lagat and Ate Minette (a power couple) was driving me to Buhangin, I got the chance to converse with them mainly about the aquintances, some of the whereabouts, and parts on the future plus an advice. But before I reach Buhangin, Kuya Rey told me in this thought (paraphrased): "Huwag muna mag-boyfriend kasi di pa shaped the character niya. Mahirap kapag di pa shaped ang character." , Ate Minette and I agreed. I can really agree with Kuya Rey as what happen to my past and to some of my friends who had a stressful relationships. And, I'll take note of that. :D
THEREFORE
That, anything in impatience is unshaped & True LOVE is found in the LORD. Nothing less, nothing more. Dreams brought to reality are GOD-given freebies on delighting ourselves to HIM. In God's Grace and in HIS rightful timing I will arrive to a God-modeled-testimony that is worth sharing with the message of GOD's love to everyone.
#ToGODbetheglory!
No comments:
Post a Comment